For instance, he might occasionally have to call off a date to take care of a sick kid, or he might be hard to reach while he’s doing things with them. If you can see his relationship with his kids in a positive light, it will help you take it less personally when they spend time without you. It may also help you feel more comfortable when you’re all together.
Encourage your partner to keep any regular traditions he already has with his kids, like taking them to dinner once a month or building model cars together. It might seem like this is a step backward if you already feel left out, but it can actually help bring the whole family closer if you’re supportive of this important bonding time.
Try saying something like, “Quality time is really important to me. I was wondering if we could set aside two date nights a month, just the two of us. " Keep in mind that he might need to change plans at the last minute if something comes up with his kids.
You might ask, “What does your ideal relationship with me look like?” or “What do you picture when you think about us in the future?” It’s okay to ask for uninterrupted time once in a while, but avoid trying to set any limits or boundaries on how much he calls, texts, or visits his kids.
Remember, you’re the adult here! Even if they’re acting out or trying to provoke you, try not to overreact. Instead, show them how to handle conflict maturely and responsibly. It will make a difference in the long run. [7] X Research source
For instance, if the kids are a little standoffish at first, respect their distance. Keep trying to be friendly, but don’t push them to reciprocate. If you’re patient about letting things unfold at their pace, you’ll have a better chance of developing a long-lasting, meaningful relationship with your boyfriend AND his kids. Ask him for advice on how to better approach his children and show them that you are their ally and not a threat, an evil stepmother, or someone who just makes their dad spend less time with them.
For instance, if your boyfriend’s son loves Legos and you love Harry Potter, you might get a Harry Potter Lego set for the two of you to build together. It can also help to plan fun events for the whole family, like a day at an amusement park, a trip to a kid-friendly museum, or a picnic at the park.
It can definitely be hard to bite your tongue sometimes, especially if the kids are acting up. If you need to, take a few deep breaths or step out of the room for a moment and let their dad take care of things. It’s okay to ask your boyfriend to enforce certain boundaries, like stepping in if his children yell at you or disrespect your belongings.
Putting yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes may help you feel more patient with him as he figures out how to have healthy relationships with both you and his children. Keep in mind that your boyfriend may also feel stressed about trying to co-parent with his ex. This is complicated in the best of situations, but it can be especially overwhelming if they don’t get along well.
Now that their dad is dating again, your boyfriend’s kids might be struggling to accept that their parents really aren’t getting back together. [13] X Research source On top of that, they may already be struggling to cope with things like messy divorce proceedings, the back-and-forth of custody swaps, arguments between their mom and dad, or even just normal kid stresses like school and friends. [14] X Research source
This will help the kids feel more secure that you’re not trying to replace their mom. It can also help ease fears that if they have a relationship with you, they might be somehow disloyal to their mom. [16] X Research source Try not to be jealous of your boyfriend’s relationship with his kids’ mom. She has to be part of his life if they’re co-parenting, and it will just make things more stressful to everyone if you get upset any time they talk. Navigating this relationship can definitely be one of the trickiest parts of dating someone with kids. The mom might not be very receptive to you at first! Just keep being cordial and respectful. She may come around in time.
